A podcast I got to do with Sean Conroy and The Longshot Podcast Crew!
We spoke about writing and My new book:
#1 Son And Other Stories available on Amazon
Thank you guys!
…He hands me the flaming shot and without even a second thought, I rally it back. Suddenly I smell burnt hair. My goatee is aflame. My collar and neck are aflame. Riae and Shuyu are screaming pointing. Yoshi is in shock. A Japanese woman in traditional garb dumps a pitcher of beer on me and there is another one behind her with another pitcher like they’re trying to douse a four-alarm brush fire.
“OKAY, OKAY!” I yell.
The smell of burnt hair and beer permeates my nostrils. I pat my face, I rub it, my cheeks feel like melted cheese. “Ha Ha Ha! Fuck!” I’m fucking wide-awake and so present it’s electrifying.
“Shit,” I say, “you trying to kill me Ricardo?”
“Fuck that shit, I’m sorry.”
I get up to go to the bathroom. The whole thing is surreal. People are staring at me, when I look at them they immediately looking away. I move quickly through the bathroom door, there is sweet, slow, traditional Japanese music playing overhead. I look at my face in the mirror. I don’t feel so pretty, or smooth and I’m definitely not bored. I let out a loud laugh. I’m an ugly American, real ugly. Is this my little dose of karma for H-bombs past? The skin has melted away two or three layers on both sides.
“Wow,” I say loudly. “I’m not a doctor but I’d say second-degree burns, Nurse Ratchet.”
As I say this, a very short Japanese man walks in, “Sorry sorry,” he bows, and runs out.
Fuck. My girl will understand.
The day after my face caught on fire…
#1 Son And Other Stories is available now on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/dp/0999614185/
Also, check out my Interview with Marc Maron on his WTF podcast.
I burned down the backyard
And just stood there
Transfixed by the flames
I pissed on my parent’s artwork while standing on their antique chair
I stole my best friends prized matchbox set
I crept into my mother’s and father’s room while they slept
I stole all they’re money and their car
Then drove to Mexico in a blackout
I told the 8th-grade teacher to shove that bullshit history book up her ass
I got a referral to the principal and was swatted in the ass with plexiglass for questioning patriotism and history and an imposed system of ignorance
I carried a loaded gun because they were coming
And then when they came I realized I forgot the gun
I was on a72-hour psyche hold in 4 point restraints and shot full of Haldol. Swore I’d never be there again, and I was there again and again
I was busted with possession of drugs and paraphernalia and sat in jail, and couldn’t wait to get out and not even have a clue I was going to do it again. Over and over again
I’ve been angry, homeless walking the streets in Anytown, USA.
Totally convinced, truly believing, it was everybody else’s fault
I walked the streets until my feet had blood blisters, but never left a square block radius
I broke into so many apartments in the complex I lived in that I could only leave the apartment at night out of sheer paranoia
I drank and drove so drunk that I had to cover an eye to stop seeing double, again, and again and again
I’ve heard at least 2 dozen people say they’ll never drink or use again
Then just hours, days, weeks, months, or years later, they overdose or drink themselves to death
I looked loved ones in the eyes and promised something, and just knew deep down I was going to break their fucking heart
His psychiatrist called it a female dependency. He called it loneliness coupled with horniness. He spoke to her often. She usually called while he was asleep. The strange thing is when she called, he was usually dreaming about her. She would wake him out of a dead sleep at 3:00 AM, The Witching Hour. He would be in a deep sleep dreaming about her. Her lithe sexy body, her porcelain skin, smooth as silk. Her lips and soft touch. Her cute voice. They went through so much together. Their bond was unbreakable. They could just look at each other and know, that they both knew. She was a brilliant artist, funny and clever and an amazing chef.
That morning she called and told him she’d be gone another three weeks! That meant a month and three weeks altogether. “No fuckin’ way man!” he said to her. He had a week of paid vacation left, but still owed rent, the IRS, unemployment and disability overpayments. He found a reasonable fight. And was on a plane to Japan five days later. “When the going gets unmanageable, the unmanageable go to Japan,” he told his mother. His sweet mother. She bailed him out of so many problems. She helped him through more than he would ever know. She got up at 7:00 AM to pick him up at 8:00 for his flight at 12:30 PM.
So now he’s on the plane with a thirst. He hadn’t had a drink in months. Trying the sobriety thing. But a thirst, a vodka thirst came over him, an obsession that he was warned about and experienced so many times in the same fucking untreated state. He drinks and reads.
He dozes off and dreams a horrifying dream.
He’s on the same plane but now every other passenger is a sumo wrestler. They’re all arguing and screaming. Two start wrestling right in front of him. They’re grunting and smell like Roquefort cheese and garlic, big balls of garlic. One throws another against the emergency door and it flies open. Sumo wrestlers are getting sucked out of the plane. At one point, three are jammed in the door and the cabin repressurizes. A sigh of relief of all the wrestlers seems to happen at once, it’s operatic, it’s soothing. But then one of the three farts, it’s loud like there’s an oboe in his ass, and the three sumo get sucked out.
Everyone is screaming again. He sits in his seat, horrified and amazed all at once, he has NO idea he’s dreaming. Suddenly his belt snaps and he gets sucked out too. There are hundreds of sumo wrestlers in the sky like babies with diapers dropped from a wayward stork. He grabs a sumo wrestler and uses him as a makeshift airbag, to break his fall. Before hitting the ground he awakens suddenly, sweating, so happy to be on a plane without sumo wrestlers. He eats, drinks, and converses with the other passengers.
He thinks about seeing his girl. He’s never traveled this far. Christ. Arizona, San Diego, and New York tops. But Japan…man oh man, he got the bite. He would travel to a cave in outer Mongolia for this girl. She was special. She was touched, a depressed manic-depressive alcoholic drug addict. She called it ‘the double overhead dual diagnosis.’ Pop Tarts and Prozac were her primary diet. He obsessively thought about her, he read and drank and drank, straight vodka, so many little bottles. Then made the mistake of eating. He sat and sweated and fell back to sleep.
He woke up dry heaving, ran to the lavatories but they were all occupied. “Jesus Christ, is there an open fucking toilet?” he cried. Finally one opened. Once in the lavatory, the decisions had to be quick. He has to shit, but he had to puke, could he do all that and piss too? He sat on the toilet and shit and pukes so quickly it didn’t make it into the sink. The vomit was in his underwear and pants. “Oh god, what a fucking mess,” he said aloud. He stripped, attempted to wash out his boxers. “Oh screw this”, he said as he threw the chunky chicken and broccoli multicolored drawers into the garbage. He washed his jeans out, cleaned off his shoes, and actually felt good.
A flight attendant approached him. “You need something…water, juice?” “Yes, ice water,” he said. She walked away. He had been on the plane 8 hours now. He spent twice that in factories and meaningless jobs, 12 hours of travel to see his girl in another country? Sure, why not.
Just a young man
So seasoned at lying
At 17 years old
You believe me when I blame someone else
I piss on your favorite things
I torch whatever I can
Burn it all down
I must be really mad
You exposed me to sex
You showed me criminality
You stripped my sensitivity away
It was your matter-of-fact fuck it all attitude
that fueled my rage
You purged and cleansed the household of me
Then I’m gone in a drug-induced haze
I got high with you and your wives
Listened to your stories
Believed your lies
Then you put me away when I robbed you.
You threw me out.
You wondered why
You introduced me to all.
Sex, drugs, and Sinatra
You lived the life of all that was evil shallow and toxic.
Why do I hate?
Why am I still so fucking full of rage?
I can’t let it go
I don’t want to judge
I can’t stop
Live with it…