It’s physiologically staggering how much I detest most of the employees here.
One big dysfunctional family.
Alcoholics, gamblers, drug addicts sex addicts these are obvious.
I’m sure there are also plenty of wife beaters, masters of molestation, pedophiles and judging by where some of these hicks live—bestiality.
I hang in because the money is good. Bad move. Bad idea.
That rationale, that saying, “Well, at least the money is good…” America.
The phrase that pays. The Lie. The justification of lost passion, of the soul’s complacency, the collapse into a false sense of security and an even more false sense of self.
Speaking of delusion, working here does give me the delusional sense of being an intellectual… because the intelligentsia is so stiflingly low.
One of the bosses told me that he would “break both my fucking arms and legs” if I pressed a power button on a broken machine.
HE LOOKS EXACTLY LIKE COSMO SPACELY FROM THE JETSONS.
Not the least bit intimidated, I glared at the diminutive little man and I laughed. I could crush his windpipe in one fell swoop. I already had it telegraphed in my head.
The money is good. But how far does that ever take me?
When your soul and spirit is broken, waded up like a Milky Way wrapper, and thrown to a needy corporate dungeon of chemical death, it makes you wonder, what the fuck am I doing here? Or anywhere?
Everyone in the Positive Developing department has a glazed look and is stupefied from watching monitors of the same 35 mm film going backward on a high-speed developing machine at 500 frames a minute for 12-hour shifts. This was the process of film, before digital.
Most people here break the monotony by drinking, gambling, doing drugs into oblivious states of delusional ultra temporary contentment.
Or… they eat and eat and eat…to fill the senseless void of an unaccomplished, and molested life.
Me: I’m terrifyingly sober. Dry as Death Valley in July.
I read, write, exercise and get laid if I’m lucky. Sometimes I obsess on all the above that I can’t do—gamble, drugs, drink. Wait, murder?
Even though this freedom sucks it’s better than jail, (more morbidly senseless justification for staying stuck in this chemical hell with toxic people).
There really is no glamour in Hollywood.
But based on the that there is, well this would be the least glamorous of film industry jobs.
No fucking doubt.
My worth in the eyes of management is contingent on just how many hours of overtime I’m willing to work, but I have a modicum of self-esteem, self-care, and self-worth so I frequently refuse the OT request.
So in their eyes, I’m a worthless piece of liberal shit and I have even been told so.
And (again) it’s rammed into my consciousness that Hollywood is filled with wolves parading around in liberal wardrobe.
The job, this existence, It’s an amazing concept that a job could be somebody’s whole life, somebody’s identity.
More Americana that’s as shallow as a bird bath. Like a Junkie math equation. Good paying job = good life
The job collapses. They collapse.
These gears here are oiled so well that word of layoff, fiber optics, digital anything that would threaten the weak foundation of their existence sends them scurrying in a panic, like roaches running from a homemade aerosol & Bic lighter flamethrower.