Overheard in Maui

“Hey Frank. This bathroom is preposterous! The layout, the size, I mean the whole God damn deal for Chrissakes! It’s a fuckin’ airport!” The septuagenarian reported as he stood at the urinal and let out a long bluesy clarinet sounding fart.

Frank replied, “Yeah what does it take to get that right? I mean come on! You morons! Figure it out!’ He also let a fart, but nothing fancy it fell flat, weak in comparison.

I stood behind them with a few others, waiting my turn to fart and piss, or vice versa.

“Me and Phyllis were here two years ago, looks like all they did since then was replace a couple of tile and put new doors on the stalls. It’s Maui people! Put some money into it! I don’t know, get a designer that specializes in crapper decorating!” Jack replied.

“Yeah I hear ya Jack looks like we’re dealing with some 3rd world shitters. Even in the U.S. You’ll get that 3rd world shitter mentality. Damn shame. In my day thought, pride, integrity and ergonomics were commonplace. Now, well you might as well just take a dump in the street. It all looks like shit anyway. Whole fuckin’ deal. All government parties are a travesty. Horse shit,”

“I wanna take a dump on the whole thing, I mean the planet has gone to SHIT! Even Phyllis thinks so. And she’s a songbird, Jesus she has the tolerance of mother Theresa that one. And as chipper as they come, even SHE thinks it’s all going down the fucking tubes!” He washed and put his hand under the auto towel dispenser.

‘Yeah Jack you got lucky with that one. Man oh man, Maxine, Jesus what a battle axe, plain and simple. I mean even if we hit the power ball she’d piss and moan about paying the taxes on the winnings. Just insatiable that one. Real true blue fucking naysayer. Real controlling twat too. But she’s got me in check nonetheless, watches my every fucking move. I’m real paranoid about everything these days, Christ. A little Piss on the seat, leave some undies on the floor or shoes under the coffee table, the nagging starts.”

I pissed and washed my hands and followed them out. I stayed one or two paces back.

“Jack, listen, that Maxine is really been on me, and I also think she’s been having an affair with our mobile detailer. That Joey guy. You know, that greasy New Yorker, real suave guy, he’d have no problem bangin an old broad like Maxine, I man she’s still got tits, AND her ass hasn’t fallen yet.”

“Frank grow a set of balls and beat that motherfucker within an inch of his life and let him know that no silly mobile detailer’s going to be banging out your wife!”

“Yeah maybe you’re right Jackie boy, this is the second time now! Before she was fucking with the landscape architect last time!”

“Two Strikes and you’re out!”

I heard the call for my flight and beelined it to my gate.


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